15. The Wheels on my Bus
I'm waiting at a bus stop and I don't know why. The bus comes and the door opens and I get on and I can see that there's someone in the back hunched over and I can't really see their face but there's something about them that I feel like I know them and I'm not scared to be on the bus alone with them. Then another person gets on who was standing behind me at the bus stop. I just didn’t notice him and he sits in the very first seat behind the driver.
The bus moves on and reaches its next stop and the door opens and Brian gets on and I'm so relieved and amazed to see him. I can feel stress just drip from my body. I suddenly feel lighter and so much of the pressure and responsibility I have been carrying around these last 5 years just drifts away. He's just here and he sits in the row across from me and I feel calmness come over me and just as the doors about to close a few more people get on.
Regret gets on. Regrets for past mistakes of our relationship, regret that we couldn't work things out together, the way we chose to live together in anger and resentment towards each other and lose our connection. Regret that we just couldn’t talk to each other. Regret that Brian will miss all of the things Ian will do in his life and he won’t be there to see it. Regret that Ian lost his father.
Then Guilt gets on. Guilt for the things I did to Brian, guilt over the end of our relationship. Guilt over every decision I made while he was in the hospital needing me to protect him, guilt that I didn't take better care of him, guilt that I made the decision to turn off the machines and end his life. Guilt that I had a role in Ian losing his father.
And another person gets on and even thought I don’t know him, I recognize him right away. It's Ryan. And he sits right behind me. And I can feel him there. Brian does not look at him and I feel like the weight of him is on me.
The bus moves to another stop and Bret gets on. And I am so happy to see him. It's like that feeling I got when we were 15 years old. We once took a bus ride across town just to spend time together. We got on at El Con Mall and rode the bus all the way to the end and the bus driver told us we had to get off, so we just paid another fare to ride back. We were just talking and laughing and making fun of the people on the bus with our knees touching and that electricity you feel at 15 when you're with the person that you “like”… and Bret comes and he sits right next to me and of course I am freaked out because I was always trying to keep Bret and Brian separate and I’m feeling that angst that they are together but I'm so happy to see Bret again. I feel loved and seen and safe.
The next stop Sadness gets on the bus and I can just feel it in every fiber of my being and it changes the whole feel of the bus and I can't function and I can't think anymore all I can do is feel that sadness wash over me. Strangle me, paralyze me. Own me.
Fear then gets on the bus and sits right in front of me and he’s got a lot of luggage with him like he's going someplace for very long time. I'm trying see him but Sadness has overwhelmed me and controls and all my defenses and I can't resist fear.
And the next stop Jeannie and Shelly get on and they sit together in the very front row and they won't even look at me and they are just talking to each other and making plans for vacations together and telling each other all the great things that are going on in their lives and how happy they are and how perfect their worlds are. And it just makes me more alone and in pain.
And then Resentment gets on the bus. Resentment towards them for not being able to be what I needed them to be, resentment for the fact that they think I am being a bitch and resentment that they are still in perfectly intact and prosperous, happy, joyful relationships, full of love and long futures and all the things that I no longer have. And they can’t SEE me and my pain and sadness and loneliness and fear.
And Jealousy gets on the bus and my skin crawls… and the doors close and we move on.
I then I realize I know the person siting at the front of the bus, It’s Peter. I just didn't notice him but in some way has been with me all this time. On every ride, just quietly being there.
And at the last stop Depression gets on and I look him in the face and I think of course they’re on this bus with me, of course they're on this road trip. And I just know that this bus is just going to ride around forever with all of these ghosts on it. No one is ever going to get off.
And I don’t want to get off either.
And that’s when I know who the person at the back of the bus is. It’s Anger.
And then I realize why that felt so comfortable. He’s been my companion all along.
