11. 365
I would say with some certainly that this has been the worst year of my life. And although I have had tragedy and sadness in my life over the years, like many people have, this year really feels like a culmination of so many things piling on top of each other. And I thought 4 years ago when Brian died was the worst. But this year topped it!
Becoming an empty nester will be on my list, although that’s clearly not tragic, as a parent it’s a double-edge sword - it’s something that you’re very proud of and clearly expecting and something that you’re very sad about and clearly dreading. Ian‘s graduating from high school and the oncoming event of attending his first year of college would have made me sad on its own right, as he was leaving for his next adventure on his journey thru life, but mixed in with everything else that happened it just seem to be magnified, the impending loss of my “baby” to being grown-up. Plus his father was not there to see it, so Ian’s graduation was an emotional landmine. I felt the heaviness of being both of us that day. Bret was so proud and so excited for what was to come for Ian. Ian told me after that he carried a picture of his dad in his pocket. It was a lot.
Then shortly after Ian graduated, Bret died unexpectedly and that just really absolutely took me by complete surprise and rocked me to my core. And being on the same day of Brian‘s death 3 yrs before - just the shock of it all was overwhelming. It also stirred up all that I went through with Brian’s death, and in a way rekindled all the memories of Peter’s death that I think at the age of 21 I had not dealt with, I had just buried it and moved on and it was all was waiting to come back and fuck me up. And it has.
And although expected and planned, but now was just overwhelming, was that the house I was in for two years I had to move out of. Bret and I had planned to either move in together in Phoenix, or more likely move in together in Tucson, but now, suddenly, I had to make all of these decisions alone, and get out of my house. I packed up my belongings and put everything in a pod. This also made me do some pretty serious downsizing that was just too much emotional baggage to deal with - I was downsizing my dead husband’s things, my dead boyfriend’s things and a lifetime of my child’s things… so many things that gave me comfort, or held me in a place of grief, or both. I touched them all. I then was homeless and adrift and spent the next several months moving from temporary location to temporary location with everything I owned in storage. My heart told me the best thing to do was to continue to move to Tucson and be closer to Ian. It seemed to be the only thing that my soul thought made sense. So I left the job that I loved, and honestly hated from time to time, but that gave me purpose, to take on a role that I didn’t really feel was a good fit, but it seemed the most logical thing to do in that moment. But the job does not feel right to me and I am untethered to it, the people, the community… and more importantly being in Tucson feels absolutely wrong.
The things I thought would bring me comfort about being in my hometown were no longer true and this place was more like an unfamiliar ghost town with nothing here that I had any further good connection to. It brought me no peace of mind. This is where I met Bret, this is where I met Brian, this is where I met Peter and I can go block by block with memories of each of them, but now they are just empty spaces that make me sad.
Residual losses then came all around me - The longtime relationships of my life, connection to people who had been a constant part of my life, In the complicated mess of my story and my unwavering grief it now seemed to be too complicated for those around me and they left, and I let them. I am not the same person that I was, how could I be? I am broken and lost and angry and drowning. And to me it seems so logical to lose everything. Just let it all go. I feel like my choices are to go backwards to now unwanted terrain, or run and fall of the cliff of the complete unknown that is in front of me - And really backwards I know holds just grief and loss and forward holds fear and loneliness. And all I want is some relief from all this grief.
I enter into my second year without Bret. I have done the “second year” before, twice. I know it will not be fueled by shock and sadness, but the emptiness of the reality of this loss. Bret is not coming back. Brian did not come back. Peter did not come back. This is it. This is me. This is all that is left.
So, let’s lose it all. Why not? Let’s let it all go and not foolishly think this broken me will be “better”. I am in the space of loss, emptiness, fear, anger, self-pity and great, great self-loathing.
Maybe down the road I will take on the Japanese way of Kintsugi and try to put something together with my life that is not just “awful”. But I am nowhere near that. More like a Frankenstein monster instead.
Just missing a heart.
It serves me not.
