2. Day After Day
I wish I could take a breather from my day- even just for 10 minutes- where my brain wasn’t constantly thinking and feeling such grief.
And I have been knee-deep in it for 3 1/2 years… first with Brian and then with Bret. It’s like I can’t get a break. I’ve been diagnosed with “complicated grief” in addition to losing two men whom I have loved so deeply and for so many years of my life, I had to move out of the home I had been living in and send my only child off to college. I have also lost people who have been in my life for years and in the end I followed through with the plan Bret and I had that I would move to Tucson. I quit my job of 10 years and moved. Ghosts are everywhere. This was not right. I have made a mistake.
I’ve isolated myself from the world, and all people I know, which on the one hand makes my grief even more isolating and on the other I know no one can offer me comfort, so why engage with anybody? I feel abandoned by the universe and I’m sure that’s in part because I have cut out everything and everyone. Nothing anyone has said to me over the years has offered a modicum of relief from how I feel and I don’t expect anyone to succeed.
So why am I writing this?
Because my mind gets too trapped with everything that’s swirling in my mind, and I have to let it out.
I go to work at a job I don’t understand and I don’t particularly like and I deal with people who don’t know me and I keep my past a secret because it’s a lot to handle. I navigate my day perfectly. No one would know that I am broken, broken to my very core.
My day is a shell game of switching out between the emotions of rage, sadness, guilt, and self pity at any given moment and any of those will suffice. But I keep it a secret and all in my head. What I can’t seem to find is relief or peace. They continue to elude me.
On the other hand, I don’t feel like I deserve peace nor I want relief.
My grief is my cover. It keeps me close to Bret.
Many days I feel I don’t want to be here. These last few years have been too much. I am alone, feel alone, feel outcast, feel outside of life.
Yes, I’m in counseling, yes, I will continue to exist on this earth mostly because I don’t want Ian to lose any more in his life than he has. I need to be the anchor for him to family.
And for my day today, that’s enough of a reason, but I’m not gonna lie, most of the time I wish I could leave this world and as much as I don’t know how much more of this I can take I find that I have woken up to the next day, and get to do it all over again.
