3. You will be happy again

There seems to be this encouragement around my situation that I should find “happiness.” Think of the good times, remember him fondly, and essentially move on, of course, at my own pace… But I get the feeling that people think at my own pace is clearly by now. That being sad and alone does me no good. The birds are singing, every day is a new day and there are too many cat videos to continue to be sad. The one that makes me the most crazy is “Bret would not want you to be sad.” Basically, most of these platitudes are said to me by people who have not been through the loss of a partner, let alone 3, and many of them, not even the loss of anybody in their immediate circle. And so I don’t say this to their face, but I think it in my head … shut the fuck up! You don’t know what you’re talking about. And when I’m feeling especially angry about my situation I want to follow up with “just wait till this happens to you!” But I know this is not nice, so I generally don’t say things like that or really anything at all, I just remember to keep them out of my sphere.

Bret would not want you to be sad.

I really do think about this. Bret would not want you to be sad. Would he? Or wouldn’t he? And when I pose this question to myself, it really does not take me long to come to the conclusion that I am not at all sure what he would want, but if I were to go with a snap judgment, I think he might want me to be sad.

I know he was incredibly jealous and I know 1000% that he would never want me to be with anybody else, ever! Whether he died this year or at the age of 99. He called me “Bret’s Girl”. He referred to parts of my body as his and he would often tell me that no one was ever allowed to have these things that were attached to me. In our early days he would tell me if he found out that another man touched me he would die, and in the later days he would say he would kill me. Clearly I don’t think he would do either one of those things but I did get the overall message. And so with that mindset I ask myself “Would Bret want you to be happy and what does that mean?” Would Bret want me to enjoy ice cream, watch cat videos and make handmade cards and travel? Without him? Isn’t that what everyone means by “happy”? Or would Bret want me to wake up every day, throw open the front door and live in glory and wonder in the fact that the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the world is a beautiful, happy place and for me to venture out that door, find joy and fulfillment in the people and things I come across and go to bed at night  knowing I am loved by friends and dear ones and excited for the dawn of tomorrow?

And my first instinct is to say no, Bret would not want me happy to face the day and every day there after without him.

Would I want Bret to be happy? Would I want him to laugh at cat videos, throw open the front door and find wonder and enjoyment in the things out in the universe without me? Would I want him sad and miserable, crying every day, sleeping on the couch where I died, drugged on sleeping pills, avoiding all contact with everybody and just sitting in the cocoon of himself missing me? Yes. But he’s a better person than I am.

But I can’t feel happy and I don’t want to and I want people to stop telling me that because they don’t know my fear, they don’t know my pain, they don’t know the thoughts that swirl around every minute and how much I miss him and don’t want to be here… so again I just say “shut the fuck up”.